Parenting Self-Esteem

What is self-esteem?
Self-esteem is the perception about us, how much we like ourselves and the answer to the question of how much I’m worth or to “what do I believe about who I am”. It situates between self-confidence and respect for one’s own person, defining the value we place on ourselves and the belief that we deserve a healthy, fulfilled and happy life. High self-esteem would come with an inner dialogue of ‘’I deserve it, I can face challenges and adapt to changes’’
The answer is often learned in childhood and undertakes a continuous process of improvement all throughout our lives. It influences the way we behave with others, how we interact and how we act in certain situations, being a concept closely studied in personality psychology, developmental psychology, educational psychology and other related disciplines.

A person who has a positive perception of himself is more willing to follow his interests, achieving his personal and professional goals. Today, self-love is linked to terms such as self-esteem, self-acceptance, emotional well-being, and resilience. Contrary to what many believe, it has nothing to do with narcissism, pride, ego, arrogance or vanity. It’s about your ability to value what you do, who you are, your skills and the love you have for yourself.

Signs of low self-esteem:

• you hate or despise yourself;
• you feel worthless or think you are not good enough;
• you are unable to make decisions or assert yourself;
• you think that nobody likes you;
• you judge yourself frequently;
• you blame yourself when you spend time with yourself or when you spend on yourself;
• you are unable to recognize your strengths and express your needs;
• you feel distrustful of your own strength;
• you are afraid of failure.

Manifestations of low self-esteem:

• Excessive self-criticism
• Tendency to self-sabotage by underestimating abilities
• Avoiding novelty elements that endanger the comfort zone
• The permanent need to compare oneself with others
• The need for validation from those around.

A positive self-image is characterized by:

• Confidence in one’s own person, in one’s capacities and abilities
• Acceptance – of both strengths and weaknesses, including physical appearance, some bodily imperfections
• Self-respect, consideration for values, limits and personal interests
• Self-caring for one’s own person, physically and mentally in equal measure.

A good self-image helps to:

• Achievement of personal and professional objectives
• Achieving the desired academic and professional performance
• Better management of social pressure, pressure at work, etc.
• A better tolerance of frustration
• Maintaining a good emotional state
• The ability to see in life’s obstacles a challenge that can be overcome
• Harmonious relationship with family, friends, colleagues
• Cultivating generosity, empathy
• Encouraging new experiences.

How to work with children?

1. Be connected and affectionate, create a safe and loving environment at home. Parental love will help the child build an optimistic mood and self-esteem. Hug them, kiss them, spend time cuddling, listening carefully and showing interest, asking open ended and reframing questions.
2. Have rules and limits in place. Children need those to feel safe and what are the ‘’hows’’ of behaviors in the world. Encourage autonomy and control through giving them plenty of choices, alternatives and helping them identify multiple possibilities or solutions to a problem, accepting differences at the same time
3. Talk about their unique competences and strengths, help them build them and also are comfortable in their own skin, put help them identify their limits.
4. Teach them that conflict is good. Help them put boundaries towards others and be assertive, identify danger and ask for help, share how they feel
5. Normalize failure: promote try, fail, try again, and fail until they finally succeed, both with tasks and social skills and as early as possible. By defining obstacles as temporary rather than permanent, children’s tolerance to frustration increases and enables them to learn about ones abilities. Parental involvement is essential in helping children form a healthy self-esteem.
6. Be careful what you say, praise often and sincerely, without exaggerating: praise successfully completed tasks, reward the effort even of the result is not there in full.
7. Help them overcome disappointments and learn the lesson from the experience he had. Be gentle and use sense of humor to cheer them up and explain why, how and in what way each of us is unique.
8. Identify and demystify wrong beliefs: find out what more or less irrational opinions the child has about himself. Whether he wants to achieve perfection, to be attractive, handy or whatever, help him realize what is feasible and what is not. Explain the difference between possible and impossible. A realistic tie between the two contributes substantially to the formation of a healthy self-esteem.
9. Gives positive and fair feedback, emphasize the child’s feelings, acknowledge good behavior and encourages him to adopt the same in similar situations in the future.
10. Be a positive role model. Share how you would do in certain situations in order to remain constructive. If you, as a parent, are very demanding of yourself, pessimistic and unrealistic about your limits and abilities, your children may have a mirror in you.

Cultivate your own self-esteem if you want your child to do well in this chapter.

1. Learn to forgive yourself. …
2. Understand that there are things you cannot control. …
3. Take care of your physical health…
4. Take care of your mental health…
5. Choose the circle that surrounds you very well and Compare yourself with yourself (not with others and also take a break from social network)
6. Give yourself a compliment at least once a day. …
7. Be empathetic with yourself.
8. Express gratitude
9. Invest in personal development
10. Notice interrupt and replace patterns of thinking: all or nothing, confirmation bias, filtering