Childhood Impact on Adult Life

In my early 30’s I have started looking at life in a more holistic way. People’s behaviors, limiting beliefs and patterns have become my focus of interest, both for self-discovery as well as understanding others. I have included childhood as topic for investigation and source of patterns to adult life and understood that findings apply to children upbringing but to a great extent to adult interactions as well.

Why childhood is important?

Adult formation is the result of 7 years cycles, with 3 most important happening before and as we turn 21. The first cycle between 0 and 7 forms basic personality and builds emotional acumen. Between 7 and 14 the mental builds and cultural and educational systems are working to shape your intellect. Period between 14 and 21 is more about finding and defining yourself from physical perspective and defining your identity (Spiritual growth keys)

First cycle is critical from the perspective of attachment and 3 areas are the most important: connection (communication), love (nurturing) and security (safety). It’s an early stage for consciousness and rich in feelings and emotions. Children absorb information about surroundings and function based on instincts (hunger, love, support, pain). They learn motor movements, speech and relationship to themselves and others based on imitation, and parents/close relatives shape the emotional bone during this life cycle. External behaviors imprint patterns and system beliefs that later shape the adult life

Communication, nurturing & safety

Apart from making noises and face grimaces :), babies have no other meaning of expressing; they have yet to learn communication via language. Their brain is not mature to master emotions, thus connection and response to frustration have deep emotional baggage; crying and screaming is a way of expression and invalidation or disallowance of such manifestation has negative results:

1. Blocked or hidden emotions: unexpressed frustration, suffering or unfulfilled needs imprint in the body and archive in the cells as trauma, further resulting in illnesses; crying on the other hand, liberates accumulated tensions and repairs and reconstructs the body; in addition, as emotions source the same place, numbness to negative feelings results in numbness to positivity as well
2. Repetitive tantrums are expression of suffering, pain, sadness, fear, loneliness and demand for parent’s attention and response; when ignored, such behaviors transform in aggressiveness or passivity, incapacity to concentrate or need to oppose; the desire to hurt or destroy it’s a human inherent impulse of protection that may appear in response to being ignored.
3. Partial identity loss following emotions denial: ”You are not upset”, ”There is no reason to cry”. Or demand for ”authorized feelings”: ”You should be happy”. When emotions are minimized, a loss of confidence occurs, later translating in self-trust issues and search for external validation. As human beings we should not erase or lock negative emotions, but rather manage how we express, release and let them flow. This in turn leaves space for positivity, safety and ultimately for mental and physical health (e-motion)
4. Denial of pleasure, love and satisfaction when parents refuse to take them in their arms. This creates a sense of lack or self-worth gap in adult life, compensated by desire of control or development of addictions; With nursing, babies fulfill needs of love, security and reassurance, encouraging progressive autonomy and avoidance of dependency or fear of abandonment

Up-bringing and identity formation

Children see life through their own eyes, sometimes filtered through stories or fears. Whilst love, connection and safety source externally, identity formation is to some extent internal and intuitive unless tampered with. Children develop healthy identities if freedom for expression exists and when gentle external guidance takes place

1. listening and understanding children’s’ perceptions with a mindset of changing opinion if needed allows them exploration and development (Be a level 4 listener). As a child is making choices he or she identifies preferences. Whether about tastes, colors of clothes, places or people, the child learns how to make the difference between things and builds his individualism and identity
2. judging or invalidating their perceptions may pass the message that they are not capable or valued or loved unconditionally
3. imposing parent’s view leads to ”dormant” adults, looking for external guidance / validation and direction in their life; equally, by denying a child’s view we are not showing a positive example of openness,  different perceptions and patience to listen; children learn by observation and imitation, adopting parent’s behavior and inclusive of limiting beliefs for their future adult life and parenthood

Needs and desires

Abraham Maslow has designed the theory of human needs. This is based on 5 levels, with desire becoming important as one progresses beyond the first level of basic needs and second level of safety. Behind a tantrum there is a need or a desire. It’s better not to be caught in a game of power and try stop children from having a reaction or emotion, but rather understand the substance.

• If a need, then try to give and fulfill it (especially 1st level of physiological needs)
• If a desire then listen to the frustration and build the relationship
• If an emotion resulted from non fulfillment of either a need or a desire, then try to comfort it

Sometimes it may feel like a competition between your needs and child’s needs. The art is to contain them happy in the limits that are tolerable to us, maintaining both the child and ourselves relaxed and in pleasure

In summary…

Children connect to our subconscious and understand beyond words, thus our behaviors and reactions have major impacts on them. Working late hours instead of allowing family time, overpowering high grades at school, and demanding for behaviors that meet “society” standards result in adults with less humanity and highly focused on achievements and material aspects of life. Children need care and affection, time to play together and connect with you, and congruent behavior from both parents allowing comfort and safety. Not much more. The relationship to your child starts with love, comfort and support especially during emotional bursts. Paying attention to a child’s needs, healing your own wounds and allowing children to live in their own way and rhythm is what ultimately brings up stronger adults.

From womb life where the body naturally regulates, to childhood where intuitively we know who we are and what we like and want, we progress towards the adult life and tend to forget these amazing capabilities of self-regulating. Our behaviors modify according to social conditioning and environment and we forget what really drives us deep inside. Children have yet that capacity, so trust them and let them be! Equally, connecting back to the child within you will make the world a better place.